Life of Dad website. At that time i had no knowledge of what blogging was about or what really went into it. I was lucky enough to be invited to write for the LOD website. I had recently taken a new job that i utterly hated and had to leave my daughter and go back to work. I was at a pretty dark place during that transition and the LOD guys gave me an outlet to vent without being too harshly criticized. I cannot thank them enough. After some modest success i was told that i really needed my own website to blog from. I am still figuring it all out but i wanted to publish the post that started it all for me. I will still be contributing to the LOD website and I hope that you enjoy my new “under construction” site. As an aside, I no longer work at the job refrenced below, but rather have found a fantastic new position that allows me to spend the time i need with my daughter and be part of her life as. I am truly blessed to have been placed in this new position. More to come!The Beginning of the longest Journey of my Life – The Paradox of Fatherhood – This post was originally published on January 19, 2014 on the
I have never blogged before…never. I usually don’t really share my opinions either. However once the opportunity was given to my by “Life of Dad” I thought deeply about what the implications of writing about fatherhood might be. I thought; “What if I was terrible and everyone thought so?” “ What if no one cared about what I had to say?” Well, that part should not matter, I am afterall married. The reality is that I was/am afraid of what may come out. My secret that I had no idea of what it means to be a father would be exposed to the masses for all to see, or in reality, the two or three people that may actually read this,(that includes my wife for proofreading purposes), nothing against “Life of Dad” of course. I mean yes, I did grow up with a father,and yes, I was more fortunate than many kids and less fortunate than others. I am able to look back at my childhood and draw from some of my experiences as a son. Those experiences include mostly things that I did not want to do, say or to become to my own child. But I grew up at a different time in the 1980’s – things were slower, more simple. With all boys in my family it would make any parent certifiably crazy so i know my parents did the best that they could. I have three awesome brothers and no sisters (I mean we still do joke about which one of us would have been wearing the pink bloomers though, and no not me!!).
Things for me however are different, I am the proud father to a beautiful 18 month girl named Alana Marie. She has become my entire world ever since I laid eyes on her. Every time I see her or hear her it makes me the happiest I have ever been, its become addictive. As wonderful as it has been, this extraordinary little girl would push me into one of the most difficult times of my life thus far. You see, I have always been a hard worker no matter what job it was that I have done, and I will be the same way as a father. The problem is, I NO LONGER WANT TO GO TO WORK (sorry for the caps)! I currently find myself going to work and thinking about the fact that while I am there, I should be with her. I should be spending time holding her, watching her, playing with her, using the time that I will never get back; on her, not in the pursuit of better sales figures. Then suddenly reality slaps me in the face and I realize that not only am I a father with a daughter that needs me in so many ways, but I am also that A – word, not the one that I get called by my other true love, but the one that hurts more in this case – I am an adult— I have a mortgage, a car payment, a desire to one day, in a galaxy far, far, far away……retire. I never really gave a second thought to working before my daughter, I actually liked it. Not for a minute did i think that it would become my most hated and despised adversary. If you have seen the movie “Office Space” the one with Jennifer Aniston and her “flair”….ah Jennifer Aniston. Anyway you would remember in the movie there is a line in the beginning when Peter goes to get hypnotized because of his hatred for his job: “So I was sitting in my desk today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.” Now while it may be a bit of an over exaggeration in my case – it’s not far off.
I spent the first 8 months of my daughters life in the trenches with her. My wife, God love her, had to go back to work, and I was unemployed at the time. Of course I had my difficulties but I can honestly say that I loved it. It was hard for me in social settings though, getting used to saying that I was a ……. shhhhh……..stay at home dad, but you know what…..I felt proud on the inside. The 8 months came and went, my interviews came and went, and then it happened, my chance to reclaim my title of the “man of the house”…..to take a job and to provide for my family. Reluctantly I accepted, not because I hated the position (which I do), or that the money sucked (which it does), or gave a rats a$$ about telling people I was a stay at home father and not because I had an opportunity to retrieve my man jewels from my wife’s purse. It was because it was what I was told to do as an adult. It was what I needed to, what I had to do.
Everyday since that day, has been the hardest day I have lived through. I’m not sure what that makes me, or how to perceive myself. I just know that with the way life goes by so fast and how society forces our kids to grow up at
“ludicrous speed” ( I love the movie Spaceballs) we need to spend as many waking, non working moments with our children. I feel our children need us now. They need to know now we love them and that we will be there to help them grow, while not smothering them . I guess technology has made transitioning back slightly easier. I don’t know what I would have done without Facetime. Just don’t tell my boss.
I hope that you didn’t think I was going to give a solution to this problem, actually I was hoping that someone could tell me. Please feel free to leave your comments below.
If you made it to the end of this blog and you liked it, even a little, then please follow me. I promise I’ll get better.
You can follow me on twitter @cjnuch0712 and find me at www.deliriousdadd.com